The wasteful saver

Listening to what others say and asking your friends what bothers them most about you might be tough; but there’s a lot you can learn. Everyone forms a judgment. They see you through their own lenses and the life experiences that shaped them. So instead of telling them: “You’re judgmental”, I simply say: ”You haven’t walked in my shoes”.

Take, for example, what some would refer to as “food wasting”. Surely you have heard some remind you that “there are starving kids in Africa…”. Well, when given the chance, I invariably order too much food. And, yes, even when I just order the regular “American size” portions, regardless of how good the food is, I almost always stop eating before the plate is empty. When I feel full, I stop and I take the rest to go.

One of my friends, who always makes a point out of licking his plate clean (not literally), told me, not long ago, that he finds my behavior wasteful. And, invariably, brought up the hungry kids all around the world. I felt quite bad for a minute and tried to consider why I never pictured that I was wasteful in my actions before hearing it from him. It’s true, by any account, getting more food then you can eat is inconsiderate, to say the least.  But here’s how experiences shape one – even when they can’t quite absorb it. I grew up under communism, at a time when half a loaf of bread had to last you a week (until you were legally allowed to buy your next ration). I had to learn to make a cube of chocolate last for months, by only tasting one small bite each day. And, while I never consciously thought about it, to this day I save food. I may seem greedy and unapologetically oblivious to the starving kids of the world. But the reality is, your own pain is always bigger than the pain of anyone else. Eating all my food won’t help those who, by misfortune of birth place or circumstances, don’t have any. But saving my leftovers for tomorrow may very likely save me.
So, yes, if I am full, I won’t finish my plate. I’ll keep that for the next day when I might not feel like cooking, or simply won’t afford to buy any more food.

I don’t believe that you can help others when you can’t even help yourself. But I do believe that saving others can sometimes help you save yourself.

Denisa Dobrin (August 5, 2016)

Choices

Denisa Dobrin (April 6, 2016)

Yesterday mattered

Tomorrow's gone.

You won the battle, but lost the war.

Live as if today is your last day

Don't let the hatred poison your way.

Victim by fate, survivor by strength,

My greatest wealth is 

just feeling content.

Each deep breath that I take

Fills my lungs with life. 

I'm grateful for smiling

each tear that I cried.

I feel my minutes slip through my fingers

Wasting my life each moment I linger.

Choices I make, they

make me or break me

If gold is God, then I'm still a slave. 

Looking so shiny, makes my palms tickle

Master, I swear I'll behave!

Yesterday's $ is worth a nickel,

Wisdom seemed frail (penny for your thoughts)

Yet it's gold. (Smarts can win you lots)

Yes, I want power and I want riches 

But time is a hunter

And this animal's dead.

So I take comfort over all riches,

I'll let go grudges to be content.

The devil inside

Denisa Dobrin (February 4, 2013)

Oh, every-so-often,

We each have a devil to fight...

Can never make up for

Illusions that we’re always right.

God send me an angel of light

To shatter my pain with his might

Or give me the strength to forget;

Rebuild my fortress of strength

I’ve cried all my tears

And whispered my fears

I’m broken and tied at my thigh

By a huge, scrumptious lie

Blacked beyond all restraint

I’ve learned to hate who I ain’t

In my saddest moments

When “friends” let me down

The devil inside me

Called my careless mind

My darkest despair

I rise well beyond you

And I declare

You think you’re fair

To tarnish my kindness

With your hopeless hell

Miracles happen

If you stay alive

And keep on fighting

The devil inside.

A hope for the hopeless

A heaven for free

While hating the haters

I learn to love me

I tendered a pact with myself

To rise above

Such shallow stunts

That make my peace become dark.

We all need an angel sometime

To remind us how magic we are

To make us grow strong

To help us hold on

Build up our drive,

Deal with the heartbreaks of life

It’s how we survive

The devil inside

I'm depressed

Denisa Dobrin (March 20, 2013)

I'm depressed
For what seems like three years - pretty much since we broke up -
I've been continuously depressed and unhappy
And it doesn't help that she tells me you're happy
SHE tells me that you're happy.
You don't deserve to be happy

Feels like the universe somehow broke loose
Like a black hole somehow ate all the light.
And the night is light and the day is dark.
Which translates into: I can't sleep and I'm too tired to think
But I also can't stop thinking.
Because all you left behind is questions; and confusion.
And each time I say to myself: "Enough! Stop! I don't want to think about it anymore! I'm done!"
... I think about it.

It's darker than the moment when you told me that you didn't love me

Like I didn't deserve to be loved.
Those few words hurt so bad like a verdict
Came down with a vengeance and

Turned my whole universe upside down.
It's inverted.

It's not even that I don't want you to be happy 
You just don't deserve to be happy.
Because you lifted me up and gave me hope
And gave me faith and gave me everything that one should give
And then... You turned your back and walked away.
As if it was ok for us to think nothing that happened ever happened.
Because you think it would've been better "if I never met you".
You can't rewrite history!
You can't undo love, or pain, or feelings, or smiles.
It's not like erasing pictures or calling it quits
It's not like breaking the connections between us will drown the memories.
Saying I don't want to know you doesn't mean I've never known you.

See, I would say that you left me holding everything
But you just left me holding pain
A pain so deep that no ailment can heal it
No "bigger love" can conceal it
You left me holding hopes and heaven and stars and dreams
And you left me but held my happiness hostage.
You left - which still means you were here.

So ... You're happy.  

And no injustice could ever feel this big

There's a scratch at the seams
And something bad will happen

Something really bad
Bad enough to set all wrongs right

Because this is not how the world is supposed to be
You can't make someone so deeply unhappy and then think you have the right to be happy

I'm depressed